i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize