you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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