I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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