I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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