That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
