im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The police scanner is talking about you again....
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
