Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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