Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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