Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
