mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
