New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
