He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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