I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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