Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
