I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
