worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize