I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
