Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
