My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
