Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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