Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize