Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
