all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
