so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
