i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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