Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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