getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize