It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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