There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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