Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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