if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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