after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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