Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
