I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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