I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
