If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
