i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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