I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
