The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
