a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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