a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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