we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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