I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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