I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
