Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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