Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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