i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Green mimosas i think yes
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
