Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize