i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So vagazzling was a success
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
