Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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