i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
