get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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