I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
so much tequila, so little girl.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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