hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
