Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
