my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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