The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
