So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
