Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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