God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
