you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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